This is a comedic song about a bumbling detective thick in the middle of a murder mystery on a rainy night.
I know you’re all frightened, but there’s nothing to fear
I’ve examined the clues, and it’s all very clear
A murder’s among you, but I know who it is
She thought she was so clever, but there’s something she missed
I talked to the guests, I talked to the maid
I even got the butler’s key to open the safe
And the victim had it coming, but that’s still no excuse
The other woman he was loving was too much for you
I don’t want to be rude, let me introduce myself
I’m not afraid to admit, I’m kinda something else
I notice the types of things the average man doesn’t see
Pleased to meet you, it’s Inspector, Virlo Morton Lee
We’ll begin from the start, since that’s where to begin
When his domestic fascination first began to lessen
So you hired a private eye to keep an eye upon him
And when you saw your proof you vowed to do him in
So you planned this party, and you dressed to the nines
You invited all these witnesses for your alibi
Despite your remote proximity as the power went out
It was you who stabbed the Senator, there could be no doubt
You almost got away if but for my keen eye
I’m not afraid to admit, I’m one heck of a guy
I notice the types of things the average man doesn’t see
What do you call me? Inspector, Virlo Morton Lee
I see the blood on your shoes, I see the mud on your dress
Make it easy on yourself and just come out and confess
You’d never stand a chance in front of any jury
Against Inspector, Virlo Morton Lee
We put her in chains and we read her her rights
But there was one other secret to be revealed on that night
“I hate to sound cliché,” he said, “but, wait just a minute.
It was me who killed that S.O.B.”, huh, what do you know? The butler did it. <gasp>
Maybe I was wrong, but it all worked out in the end
The butler seems to be a little more than her friend
She may have turned out the lights, but that ain’t no big sin
To rid the world of her cheatin’ politician
Next time there’s a problem with an unexplained dead body
Pick up the phone and call me, it’s Inspector, Virlo Morton Lee
Gregory Bratton 